One Step
by bevfan
Summary: Chakotay needs some reassurance when he is faced with a life-changing situation. AU


_One Step_

^^Written for the 2017 VAMB Secret Santa Drabble Exchange. For Elem who provided the first line.^^

 _I'm not sure this is a good idea._ The doubt was spreading like a cancer, contaminating every part of his soul. Chakotay busied himself with the crew and the repairs, but no amount of work was quelling the rising tide of—

"Chakotay! Do you want my report or not? Because if you don't, then I'm going back to work."

He snapped out of his reverie and listened to B'Elanna's summary, taking copious notes on his padd because he knew he was in no condition to rely on his memory. He needed to talk to someone and he considered steering B'Elanna away from the warp core to have a private word with her, but immediately rejected the idea. He couldn't bring himself to vocalize his feelings. B'Elanna finished her report and picked up her hyperspanner, pausing for a moment.

"I just can't believe Tom pulled it off. Who would have thought Tom of all people could come through for us like that?" She looked very thoughtful as she returned to her repairs. Chakotay left for the bridge, considering B'Elanna's parting words. Tom was definitely the hero of the day, something Chakotay couldn't have imagined calling him two years ago. This journey home was forcing everyone to become something better than they had ever imagined, or something far worse... Chakotay's comm badge chirped and the baby's squalling immediately assaulted his ears.

"Doctor to Commander Chakotay. Your presence is required in sickbay."

"On my way."

He took a deep breath before entering the turbolift. The Doctor was waiting for him in sickbay and Chakotay took the baby and bottle, then settled himself into a chair. The Doctor insisted that Chakotay should give each feeding to promote bonding with the child. _His son._ It had been a shock to find the infant, abandoned by the Kazon and crying for his dead mother, when they retook Voyager. He was healthy, but unused to taking a bottle, so the feeding process was an ordeal. Chakotay offered the nipple repeatedly while the baby screamed and turned his head. There was no doubt about the paternity, the Doctor's DNA analysis had made sure of that, but Chakotay knew this was a mistake. He couldn't parent this child, no matter what his father had told him in his vision quest. Obligation had been his only reason to chase after the child.

"There you are!" The baby's screams had masked Kathryn's arrival. She waved away Chakotay's apologies for not returning to the bridge and knelt down next to him. "I've been wanting to meet our newest crewmember anyway. Well hello there, little one. You're not very happy, are you, but you're precious."

Sweat gathered under Chakotay's collar as he attempted to feed the child, Kathryn watching his every move. Finally, the baby gave in and latched on to the nipple, and Chakotay heaved a sigh of relief, grateful for the sudden silence.

"The Doctor says eventually he'll learn to take the bottle," Chakotay muttered, embarrassed about his struggle to feed the baby. Kathryn nodded, then gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

"And how are you doing, my friend? We haven't had a chance to talk yet."

Kathryn had more than enough burdens to bear and he knew she was exhausted. Aside from showering and changing into a fresh uniform, she had been working nonstop since their return to Voyager and the last thing she needed was to listen to his problems. But she was looking at him so intently, her blue eyes focused completely on him.

"This is a mistake. I thought I would be able to do this, but I was wrong. What the hell am I going to do now? There's no turning back."

"Oh Chakotay, I know this is overwhelming, but you're not alone. We're all going to help you, just as we've pulled together for Ensign Wildman. Neelix is already making a childcare schedule and gathering all of the supplies-"

"That's not what I meant!" Kathryn didn't react to his vehemence, but remained on her knees with her hand gripping his shoulder, waiting. He took a breath before continuing. "I don't feel anything for him. A father should love his child, but I don't. All I think when I hold him is that he only exists because his mother wanted to hurt and manipulate me in the worst way possible. How am I supposed to get past that?"

Kathryn squeezed his shoulder and then moved her hand to stroke the baby's face. He was almost finished with his bottle and was gazing at Chakotay sleepily.

"He has your eyes, Chakotay." She took the baby's hand, smiling when he gripped her finger tightly. She looked back up at Chakotay. "I don't have any solutions for you except to say that right now, your concern should be getting through each moment and taking one step at a time. That's enough for now. Love grows with time and dedication and loyalty and you are the most devoted man I know. I think that you'll be surprised what will happen if you just give yourself time."

The baby's eyes closed. Milk trailed from a corner of his mouth, but he continued gripping Kathryn's finger even in his sleep. Chakotay considered his earlier thoughts about Tom and how the journey was changing them all. He was still panicked and doubtful, but he trusted Kathryn. If she had confidence in him, then maybe things weren't as dire as he believed. After all, hadn't his love for Kathryn grown in just the way she had described?

"Time." He nodded. "Thank you, Kathryn." He placed his hand over hers and the baby's, feeling their combined warmth. Kathryn didn't pull away, as he had half-expected. Instead, she continued to kneel next to him and he felt a modicum of peace return to him. He would take Kathryn's advice—one step at a time—and perhaps someday, he might have everything he longed for.

The End


End file.
